I sit here in one of my most sought after situations. My kids are visiting with their grandparents. I am home alone, with time and no distractions to keep me not only from the things I need to do, but also the things I want to do. I am in the midst of completing 50,000 words during National Novel Writing Month and it is imperative that I write daily. Of course, this doesn’t always happen but the real win is to write consistently. Yet today, I am not so sure it will happen.
But I can’t take advantage of this blessing, I am stuck on my couch battling the demons in my head. Do you have demons? Have you ever been depressed, racked by anxiety, unable to get out of bed, leave your house, complete basic daily tasks to ensure your survival? I have and I have battled them alone, with professionals, with medicines, with God. All these things work in combination for me, but sometimes when I am cruising through life feeling good about myself and making plans to conquer the world, I awake to the gnawing of my demons. Nothing untoward has happened, no one has been especially mean to me, I am surrounded by love, yet the need to cry over nothing, the feeling of deep darkness overtaking my mind, the exhaustible effort it takes to be cordial to those closest to you. Have you tried to explain to a child that you love them but please don’t talk to me, don’t touch me, don’t be too loud, don’t change, be different, love me, like me, fix me because I can’t seem to do it myself? Well, let me tell you, it is hard to explain mental illness to a child who just wants you to be present. They want to help but don’t really understand that they can’t, there is no help but time, hopefully. Hopefully this time, you can pull yourself out with the techniques you have honed throughout the years. Prayerfully you won’t be forced to spend months building yourself up again. You know what I hate the most about it, I don’t know what triggered it, I just know that I am crying and I had to write this and I have pages of responsibilities I need to attend to but as much as I keep trying, I can’t, won’t be able to do it today. What many won’t understand is that I really want to, I want to be different, often. I want to have no problems getting it together, never to need medical intervention, prayer warriors, and understanding loved ones. I don’t know if they have me on a pedestal, but I keep putting myself on one where I can always accomplish the tasks with laughter and aplomb. Today, friends, I am here to tell you, I really can’t do that. I really need to let myself be and know that it is okay to take care of myself, both mentally and physically. I am not perfect, I am not even looking for perfection. I am praying for grace and mercy to continue to be extended to me so that I can extend to those in my space. To do so, I must embrace it, the gift, freely given, and know that I am, in God’s eyes, perfect as is and every dark demon determined to conquer me, may have a moment where I am struggling under the burden of depression, anxiety and fear. But I will not stay there, I will fight, with all the tools available, for myself, because I matter. And because I matter, others matter too. You matter, I pray that you can remember that as you battle throughout your day and life. We matter, take extreme care, especially when the demons come to try and tell you it isn’t worth it. You are worth it and I am worth it, so let’s go to battle.