This is a hard post to write as it will talk about the often overlooked subject of emotional abuse. Often we hear about physical abuse but emotional abuse is often far more prevalent and is designed to make us think less of ourselves, question our motives and actions, isolate ourselves from friends and family and truly leave our substance in the abuser’s hands.
An often used definition of emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self worth” which I took from the site healtyplace.com. I know that emotional abuse can be slow moving, insidious and happen to anyone at any time or any age. You may think of yourself as tough, independent, and strong minded. Doesn’t matter, it could still creep into your life, perpetrated by someone you trust, and change you into a person who questions everything about yourself. I knew myself to be strong minded and tough, with firmly held beliefs, but I too was caught in a web of lies told to me by someone who professed to love me, but really just wanted to control me and my environment because that made them feel better. It was hard to hear friends tell me that they were concerned for me, I couldn’t even see what they were talking about. For me, the wake up came when physical abuse tried to rear its head, I immediately got out, but it took physicality to get me away, then time and therapy for me to understand that the years of words structured to hurt had actually harmed me in ways I hadn’t noticed. Some signs include yelling and swearing, mocking, ignoring, and victim blaming. Please listen to those around you with insight and if you fear you are someone you love is being abused emotionally, understand that often just breaking up isn’t enough, they may need help to stay safe and to work through the mental fallout of the abuse. Mental health providers are especially helpful in these situations. There is a list of hot lines available at healthyplace.com also.
Recently I visited a very close friend at their home. They were excited for me to meet their new love interest and I was excited too. Only the excitement was short lived as the reality intruded and their loved one spent the weekend scaring me witless with their screaming vulgarities and aggressive behavior. My beloved friend was worried it might not be working out, but scared this love interest would harm themselves if asked to leave. I was terribly afraid we would be harmed because they had not been asked to leave. I was torn between leaving in a hurry for fear of my own safety and a deep need to stay and support my friend who I was just as afraid for. I made accommodations and talked myself into staying in a volatile situation for the care of someone else. See, I was already not listening to my inner voice which shouted ‘RUN!’, but I let the emotions of the situation dictate my actions. It is so easy to fall into this type of thinking and inaction. My choices did nothing but waste my time and make it more difficult to leave when the time came. Conflicting schedules kept my friend and I from ending our weekend on the high note it started on. I left without ever talking to them from the heart, without being able to hug them and reassure us both about what I had been a silent witness to on the fringes of the relationship, known but never even seen to the new love interest. I still don’t know what the lover looks like, only what they sound like in heaving anger and screaming blame. Only the fear they instilled in everyone in that house and my own that the fear and anger would leak out to stain us all.
I left things unfinished and unsaid. I pray that you won’t do that. I ask that you speak out, seek help, and fight for the psychological health of those around you. I must return to this situation and try to assist and I write this in hopes it touches even one person in their time of need, or one person who then recognizes the need in someone else. Change takes courage, I pray the courage of us all.