Month: January 2017

Get Up Anyhow


This past week has been plagued with illness and ridiculous defiance in the face of truth, and that was just my house. You may remember me talking about my oldest son who has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Anxiety, Aggressive Mood Disorder and is Gifted. He has what is routinely described as asynchronous development and is twice exceptional. You can read about those terms here and here. For the past two years my daughter’s behavior has deteriorated at a rapid rate and while I knew she is Gifted with asynchronous development, we thought otherwise she was a neurotypical girl, so did the doctors. Yet, I know that has now changed and our daily interactions just bring it to the forefront. Now I am in a household with two people struggling as I struggle to learn how to help them. Soon she will be going for a round of new evaluations but until there are not only answers but solutions to try, there is just this space filled with strife. It is debilitating to live in this constant, daily strife and I often fill angry at the turn of events. I also feel so guilty about these feelings, but after 6 years of dealing with my oldest son, I know that feeling the guilt is normal and you have to learn to acknowledge and move past it. My son has come a long way with the help of a lot of professionals, and it seems as he gained more control, my daughter lost more control. He still has a long way to go and now I am having to start over again with her. I feel beat up, beat down and despondent many days. I don’t want to engage, I don’t want to face another day where people I love are constantly using me as a whipping post. Knowing that they don’t mean it, don’t do it on purpose, and barely are aware of their wrongdoing doesn’t always help me cope. So I have to learn to help them, myself, and other people to understand the struggle that doesn’t look like struggle at all. We look like the typical family, they look like every other kid many would call normal or fine. But they aren’t. Daily they struggle with the world around them, the world in their head, the expectations of everyone they meet. They can’t always keep instructions straight, things they do daily are often forgotten from one moment and day to the next. They are literal, and truthful, and hurting, and scared, and smart, and funny, and loving, and caring. They are multi-faceted like me and you but most people can’t see past the differences in them to embrace them. I am praying to be strengthened moment by moment to help them bridge the gap, to raise awareness, to be a good example. But let me tell you, I am not always a good example, I lose my cool, I yell, I use bad words and I walk away and cry over the reality of my existence. I scream at the unfairness, I rail against the pain of waking up every day to do the same things, I worry if they will always need me as they think they do, sometimes I want to give up and I voice it out loud. Yet, I get up every day to do it, to find another study, doctor, therapist, school, book, video, and tool to further their growth and development without killing the things that make them unique and extremely special. I am tired, I am weary, I get up anyhow. They look to me for everything and while it is draining, it is also a bit amazing. The amazingly beautiful things they accomplish keep me going and are a part of why I can Get Up Anyhow.

I have found this book by Tony Atwood to be helpful with High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s Syndrome. Most have heard of the groundbreaking work of Temple Grandin and this book is one we have in rotation at home. I have heard wonderful things about this book for Gifted/2E children and it is on my wish list. This book about emotions in Gifted/2E children is also on my wish list, as it describes my daughter well. Maybe you have found other books or sites helpful, feel encouraged to share them in the comments.

Words Can Be Abusive



This is a hard post to write as it will talk about the often overlooked subject of emotional abuse. Often we hear about physical abuse but emotional abuse is often far more prevalent and is designed to make us think less of ourselves, question our motives and actions, isolate ourselves from friends and family and truly leave our substance in the abuser’s hands.

An often used definition of emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self worth” which I took from the site healtyplace.com. I know that emotional abuse can be slow moving, insidious and happen to anyone at any time or any age. You may think of yourself as tough, independent, and strong minded. Doesn’t matter, it could still creep into your life, perpetrated by someone you trust, and change you into a person who questions everything about yourself. I knew myself to be strong minded and tough, with firmly held  beliefs, but I too was caught in a web of lies told to me by someone who professed to love me, but really just wanted to control me and my environment because that made them feel better. It was hard to hear friends tell me that they were concerned for me, I couldn’t even see what they were talking about. For me, the wake up came when physical abuse tried to rear its head, I immediately got out, but it took physicality to get me away, then time and therapy for me to understand that the years of words structured to hurt had actually harmed me in ways I hadn’t noticed. Some signs include yelling and swearing, mocking, ignoring, and victim blaming. Please listen to those around you with insight and if you fear you are someone you love is being abused emotionally, understand that often just breaking up isn’t enough, they may need help to stay safe and to work through the mental fallout of the abuse. Mental health providers are especially helpful in these situations. There is a list of hot lines available at healthyplace.com also.

Recently I visited a very close friend at their home. They were excited for me to meet their new love interest and I was excited too. Only the excitement was short lived as the reality intruded and their loved one spent the weekend scaring me witless with their screaming vulgarities and aggressive behavior. My beloved friend was worried it might not be working out, but scared this love interest would harm themselves if asked to leave. I was terribly afraid we would be harmed because they had not been asked to leave. I was torn between leaving in a hurry for fear of my own safety and a deep need to stay and support my friend who I was just as afraid for. I made accommodations and talked myself into staying in a volatile situation for the care of someone else. See, I was already not listening to my inner voice which shouted ‘RUN!’, but I let the emotions of the situation dictate my actions. It is so easy to fall into this type of thinking and inaction. My choices did nothing but waste my time and make it more difficult to leave when the time came. Conflicting schedules kept my friend and I from ending our weekend on the high note it started on. I left without ever talking to them from the heart, without being able to hug them and reassure us both about what I had been a silent witness to on the fringes of the relationship, known but never even seen to the new love interest. I still don’t know what the lover looks like, only what they sound like in heaving anger and screaming blame. Only the fear they instilled in everyone in that house and my own that the fear and anger would leak out to stain us all.

I left things unfinished and unsaid. I pray that you won’t do that. I ask that you speak out, seek help, and fight for the psychological health of those around you. I must return to this situation and try to assist and I write this in hopes it touches even one person in their time of need, or one person who then recognizes the need in someone else. Change takes courage, I pray the courage of us all.

Book Review: The Darkest Torment by Gena Showalter

What better way to start a new year than with a review of a scrumptious book? I can’t think of one, so let’s go!

I recently  finished the long awaited title The Darkest Torment by Gena Showalter. It is number 16 in the Lords of the Underworld series. I have read each book, I have genuinely enjoyed each of them too, which is why I still reading 16 books in. The Darkest Torment tells the story of Baden, recently returned to life, sort of, and a dog trainer caught in the wrong place at what turns out to be the right time. Baden has recently been returned to life to rejoin his friends who comprise the Lords and of course such a thing comes with a lot of strings. Not only does every story build upon the previous ones, but they each stand alone as a complete story and can be enjoyed if you stumbled over, say number 10 first. You may discover them out of order, but I am sure your curiosity will get the better of you and force to you go back and get each person’s complete story for yourself. Ms. Showalter’s world is richly imagined and vivid with details. One of my favorite visuals this time around was the fact that Lucifer’s palace was built of blood and bones and surrounded by a moat of acid and tears of the damned! Just reading that made me want to turn around and run. Baden is described by referencing Jamie Fraser of Outlander book and now show, fame. It is a series many of her readers will be familiar with and brings the contemporary believably into her fantasy world. As Baden and Katarina, the dog trainer, collide we have some typical butting of heads with one or both lying about themselves and their situations. I always think, “Can’t anyone tell the truth so we can have a little bit of a smoother ride?” But let’s face it, most of us love the conflict and enjoy screaming at our books when the characters make ridiculous choices (I certainly do). I didn’t like Katarina a lot at the beginning because I was so caught up in what I saw has her needless tales, but it didn’t last and you will have to read it to see if you feel the same, but I came to enjoy her story more as it unfolded and my first impression was definitely changed.

One of the other things that often go into serial books is secondary stories as set up to forthcoming books. When they are done well, as Ms. Showalter does here, they are integral to the current story and whet your appetite for the other character’s book as well. There are two major secondary stories in this installment, that of Cameo (a female Lord, so a Lady of the Underworld?) and of William the Ever Randy (great name, right?). I wanted both these characters to have their day in the spotlight right now based on the continuation of their private situations that came to a bit of a head in this book. I don’t know which one will be next, but I can’t wait!

Back to the main story, as Baden and Katarina are forced into a longer and longer involvement, they start learning truths not clearly evident in the beginning and feeling proprietary towards each other. It is played out masterfully with a return of hellhounds, a decisive independent stance by Katarina in a world populated by demons and immortals, and an explosive twisty ending that shows smart character development. The Lords are also collectively battling to save their lives as they each fall in love, every story expounds on this and shows a maturing of the characters and their thoughts from a simple black/white and good/bad outlook, to one that is nuanced and shaped by caring for others and understanding that we all want to live.

I have long enjoyed Ms. Showalter’s writing and Lords of the Underworld was the first of her books I enjoyed, but she writes seemingly as voraciously as I read and has other series you may enjoy including contemporary romance with no fantasy worlds involved! I hope you get a chance to read The Darkest Torment, it was a delicious treat filled with misunderstood people trying their best, like you and me.