I wanted to give everyone more than one post last month, but it didn’t work out. It failed on an epic scale. Now you may not think that it was a fail, but I don’t have another word for it. The month ended up being full of sorrow. Read on to hear my heart.
How It Started
Last month started with a post full of my high hopes as we went into Autism Awareness month. What I got was days fraught with contention, lies, anger, impulsivity, and sadness. Do I know these things are part of living with my son? Sure I do. Do I long for the day it isn’t like this? Yes, yes, yes! I have spent many days in tears on the floor wondering why. I despair of a life I don’t even know.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was a day that started pretty good. Not too many preteen rebellion rearing its ugly head. Well, as we trooped to the car to go to school, it devolved into a maelstrom of refusal, unpreparedness, fear, and sadness. I had to let go, watch my son go into almost certain failure based on his poor decisions of last week. It is heartbreaking and hard to watch your kids fail, even knowing that there really wasn’t anything you could do.
The Common Struggle
I have long realized I struggle with sharing his burdens and challenges. For instance, I spend a lot of time saying “We have a problem.” instead of “He has a problem.” Many of the first few years of his diagnosis I spent advocating for him and trying to find the best group of practices to help him thrive. For me, what has happened is that I have glossed over some of the things he can do for himself. I get way too emotionally invested in whether or not he succeeds at something. But also whether or not he fails or remembers.
Kids’ behaviors often trigger moms emotionally. From talking to my friends with neurotypical kids, they struggle with this. For me, it is an even stronger tie based on my own history. This is a perfect storm of a child who struggles with impulsivity and anger and a parent who internalizes every confrontation as a confirmation of how horrible they are at this.
The Failure
The day I let him fail, made me feel done as the day unfolded. He struggled a lot last month and it felt as if there were 30 days of chaos. Both in my head and in my home. Feelings of sadness and anxiety and lots of crying after realizing there was going to be an imminent failure. I could not snap out of it. There was no emotional stability. I wanted to give up. The secret here is I often want to give up.
I know I’ve said it before, but I won’t give up on him. Or me for that matter. But the truth is, I live in sorrow a lot.