expectations Archives – Janshea Bowens

Sorrow as an Autism Mom

I wanted to give everyone more than one post last month, but it didn’t work out. It failed on an epic scale. Now you may not think that it was a fail, but I don’t have another word for it. The month ended up being full of sorrow. Read on to hear my heart.

How It Started

Last month started with a post full of my high hopes as we went into Autism Awareness month. What I got was days fraught with contention, lies, anger, impulsivity, and sadness. Do I know these things are part of living with my son? Sure I do. Do I long for the day it isn’t like this? Yes, yes, yes! I have spent many days in tears on the floor wondering why. I despair of a life I don’t even know.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was a day that started pretty good. Not too many preteen rebellion rearing its ugly head. Well, as we trooped to the car to go to school, it devolved into a maelstrom of refusal, unpreparedness, fear, and sadness. I had to let go, watch my son go into almost certain failure based on his poor decisions of last week. It is heartbreaking and hard to watch your kids fail, even knowing that there really wasn’t anything you could do.

The Common Struggle

Don’t we all feel like giving up sometimes?

I have long realized I struggle with sharing his burdens and challenges. For instance, I spend a lot of time saying “We have a problem.” instead of “He has a problem.” Many of the first few years of his diagnosis I spent advocating for him and trying to find the best group of practices to help him thrive. For me, what has happened is that I have glossed over some of the things he can do for himself. I get way too emotionally invested in whether or not he succeeds at something. But also whether or not he fails or remembers.

Kids’ behaviors often trigger moms emotionally. From talking to my friends with neurotypical kids, they struggle with this. For me, it is an even stronger tie based on my own history. This is a perfect storm of a child who struggles with impulsivity and anger and a parent who internalizes every confrontation as a confirmation of how horrible they are at this.

The Failure

The day I let him fail, made me feel done as the day unfolded. He struggled a lot last month and it felt as if there were 30 days of chaos. Both in my head and in my home. Feelings of sadness and anxiety and lots of crying after realizing there was going to be an imminent failure. I could not snap out of it. There was no emotional stability. I wanted to give up. The secret here is I often want to give up.

I know I’ve said it before, but I won’t give up on him. Or me for that matter. But the truth is, I live in sorrow a lot.

A Letter to My 25-Year-Old Self

As I look back over the almosts 20 years since that magical year I turned 25, I shudder a bit. I thought my life was meaningless, and I realize now, that I was more clueless than anything. So, I want to write down the things I would tell my 25 year old self.

What I would say…

Dearest Janshea,

When you look back at this time 20 years from now, I know you will be amazed at all the ways you have succeeded. Yes, there have been some missteps. Quite a few to be honest, but it won’t compare to the joy on the other side.

As you reach the magical age of 25, your mind tells you that because you are unhappy, you have failed. You have had a bad breakup, dislike your job, and feel stuck. Little girl Janshea had a master plan of being married by this point, blissfully planning her perfect family. Well, see that previous sentence about the bad breakup, yeah that wasn’t happening any time soon. Younger you also planned to have a great job she enjoyed along with the financial security that comes from saving and spending wisely. Now she has no idea what went wrong as none of those things can be checked off the list.

Getting rid of whatever doesn’t work!
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Throw away the “they”!

I am here to say don’t fret, don’t spend the year moping around because someone somewhere told you that you had to have your life tied up in a big red bow by this time. Who are these infamous “they” we always base our opinions on anyway? Let me tell you, “they” don’t have any clue about what makes you tick or how to get to your happy place. You have more growing to do before you are ready for life. That growth is essential. Not because of the future husband, family, or job, but because of the future Janshea. Not much is more important than being comfortable in your own skin and being okay with showing that person to the world.

Part of that knowing includes finding work that you don’t hate and getting a better plan on taking care of your money. Listen, I know everyone (“they”) says you have to find work you are passionate about. And it is great if you know your passion or you just stumble upon it while walking down the street and then get paid to do it. So, instead find a job you do well, with people you can get along with. It will still feel good to go to work and you can continue to look for your passion. Don’t forget to get money help! Can’t stress this one enough. Managing money doesn’t come easy to everyone, so just find someone to help you take care of yours.

What about that family?

Your master plans included a husband and plans for children. Umm, what gave you the idea this was a good idea? There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, what needs to be updated is your idea of when that should happen. Because let me tell you, you don’t have your mind in the right place for this particular dream. Hold on, keep working on yourself, and it will come. You know you are whispering “If you build it, they will come” in your head! Anyway, as clichéd as it sounds, just wait, just keep being you. You will grow into a better version of you and she will be awesome! Don’t rush the process.

Now for the kicker…

No, that is not me… but you get it. The unknown is coming!
Image by Omar Medina Films from Pixabay

Life is going to get unbelievably harder! I know you can’t imagine such a thing because a disappointing and unsuccessful 25 years is the pinnacle of your thoughts. Not to spoil it all by giving you worries before they are due, but I do want you to know you need a relationship with God and a strong network of people who love you. I don’t think there is any reason to start worrying you about specifics, because there is no changing things. But I can say, a strong faith, strong spouse, and rockstar friends are going to hold you up in some dark hours. You will not be alone, you will come through as a survivor. When you do, you get to share your wisdom, then comfort others and that’s a good feeling.

I know you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, listless, and even a bit angry. Let yourself feel everything, then pick yourself up and go about doing the work. The work to be your better self, the work to get you out of a dead-end space, the work needed to get you here. I stand here 20 years later shaking my head at how you think things are over. But I also stand here awed at your will to survive.

In love,

Janshea, 20+ years later

January 2019 In Review

It has been three long months since last we interacted, and I must say, I missed everyone. I missed sharing what I was up to, what my kids were doing, what I was reading. Really, everything. So, I am starting the year with a review of the month. Here is my January 2019 in review.

What Happened?

Three months is a long time to be away and I must say it was pretty stressful. The last few months of 2018 was a very stressful period for me. My son started a new school program in the afternoons. It was not going well. The stress of his attitude and behavior and struggle to adapt sparked a long bout of depression and anxiety. The whole situation felt like a blanket of concrete blocks I couldn’t remove. It took over my life, to the exclusion of all the things I like to do for myself. Then the anxiety of not updating the blog, or working on my book led to even more inaction. So, how did I move on from what happened?

New Year, New Start

As 2018 was coming to a close, I was able to set up some ideas for improving my son’s school situation. There was more of my own interests. This was my therapists idea. Every day should include one thing for me. This activity would have nothing to do with my kids or my spouse. It was a bit daunting to think of. It was like one more thing on my to-do list that would never get done. Yet, as I did it anyway, it was freeing not confining. Even if all I did was practice lettering, it was a moment of quiet in my mind. It lead to quiet in my heart and a more peaceful self. My interactions didn’t feel burdensome. I didn’t want to bite everyone’s head off because of the stress about everything. I planned to make 2019 a new year of a fresh, new start.

Okay, now what?

Well, we all know that many (most) of us search for a new start to a new year. There are all types of information on making resolutions, not making resolutions, how to start a new you! That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind though. I really wanted to just keep the momentum of doing small things for myself. The feeling of happiness it gave me, helped in all the corners of my life. Things still went wrong, things were forgotten, kids were still testing boundaries. But, the difference was now, I finally had that mindfulness to not be negatively affected. I even saw myself reacting with less volatility when exasperated and angry. So, now I want to keep that feeling and pull it out whenever I find myself getting lost in the stress of the day.

How is that working?

Best laid plans and all that is probably what you are thinking. A bit, but a lot less than I imagined. My writing is slowly getting back on track, hence the end of the month post. But, I am sticking to plans that check off small steps to the big finale. On the other hand, my goals page in my bullet journal is still waiting on me to finish it!

I am going to take all progress as good, so I say it is working. How is your new year shaping up? Do you make resolutions, are you sticking to your plans as we head into February? Help keep me accountable, I will look out for your success too.

Lessons from Christmas in the Alphabet Soup

Now, if you have read any earlier posts, you know in our home we live with a number of medical diagnoses with numerous acronyms, i.e. an alphabet soup. So, when I use that term, it isn’t derogatory but gives you an idea of the jumbled mixture we have to navigate.

Every family I have ever talked to or read about who have children on the spectrum, with ADHD/ADD, anxiety, sensory processing, mood disorders, and any number of other things that make social events a delicate dance fraught with minefields we don’t even see. As such, holidays can be some of the worse times for these families. Holidays are days full of unstructured days looming before us where the schedule changes frequently and the number of people we are asked to interact with can grow exponentially and involve many we don’t know well. These kinds of things can be very stressful to the child or adult dealing with any social communication problem. This year, we had the kind of rough Christmas day we haven’t had since early in our adventure as parents to exceptional kids. And while I didn’t really learn these lessons fresh this year, it certainly reminded me that I must stay vigilant to all things that can make or break a day.

Lesson 1: Be aware of changes the day before you are scheduled to be somewhere. This year, number one son did not sleep well, he probably only got a couple of hours of sleep. He was excited for Christmas, but he also suffers with insomnia and seems to function fine with little rest. This can be common with kids on the spectrum, especially. But, no matter how well your child can function with little sleep, holidays with set expectations can ruin that. If I had kept the idea that little sleep with high expectations can be difficult, I could have built-in more ways to help him reset for the family get together and the sit down dinner. I also would have been more understanding and accepting in the moment.

Lesson 2: Stay alert to warning signs and phrases from your child. In our world, avoidance of tasks is normal. Yet, Christmas day saw a rise in avoidance on a day that is typically filled with interaction. His need for reassurance through tactile input (affectionate touch) was high even without a corresponding meltdown and activities that normally interest him brought little show of feeling. By just being annoyed at the constant avoidance and need to be touched while we are busy with other things, I missed realizing that he was in an emotional and mental crisis where he needed help. I didn’t help successfully because I was stuck in my own idea of the day.

Lesson 3: Which leads us here. Don’t be married to your idea of the ideal day. When you live with people who work twice as hard as most just to understand the social cues and become uncomfortable and often inconsolable when away from home, you have to become adept at making plans knowing that they might be scrapped or totally overhauled because someone is having a meltdown or is just unable to function well in public. Sometimes when the kids are doing well, I forget that I must be flexible in the extreme. I did that this year. Even as I watched him meltdown and lash out, I didn’t immediately recognize that he needed a bit of extra help. Even as I talked to him about having dinner with the family I was seething a bit on the inside at the idea that he was refusing to come to the table. Something he is always required to do and had done many times in the past, was almost impossible this day.

I had become complacent you see, I expected things to go well because they had been going well for a long time. Instead of taking each day as they come, I had plans I didn’t want to change, I wanted some commercial idea of a perfect day and I didn’t stop till it was almost too late. It was evening before I recognized that what I was seeing was his inability to control himself and crying for help in order to do that. He didn’t want to make everyone else uncomfortable or delay dinner or run away when he should stay. He needed help in grounding himself and coming up with ways and space and time to be comfortable with what was expected of him. It didn’t matter that he had done it countless times before, what mattered was how he was feeling at that time, on that day. More than anything, kids and adults who struggle with any or all of the aforementioned disorders need time. Time to think, time to process, time to be. We have to be willing to give that to them recognizing that even if we don’t have the same struggle we all have had a situation in which more time helps greatly. We can’t be quick to give it to those we deem neurotypical and not to those we deem neurodiverse.

How Are You Feeling A Week Later?

Well, have my feelings of fear and disbelief diminished as I paused in the last week, as many people requested, to give President-elect Trump a chance to show his presidential race was filled with rhetoric he would never actually engage in. I am here to tell you, the pause was barely a heartbeat between his acceptance speech that espoused unity among the political parties in the United States of America and his reconciliatory new promise of being a President for ALL the people of this country; and the divisive, separatist ideas of most of his recommendations and hirings for his upcoming Presidency.

As I research to find reputable news sources, listen and watch the numerous instances of hate shown marginalized people by white men and women, and walk through the world with my marginalization apparent for all to see, I am feeling less optimistic, less everything really. Every story of hate has been perpetuated by people who have vocally used an impending Trump presidency as a reason for their actions. Some more public officials have been held accountable, but what of all the people who are only in a position to loudly terrorize others with no thought of repercussions? Many want us all to forget that the history of this country, forgetting the history of the world for a moment, tells us this new America is frighteningly similar to the old America. Many people in this country despised the idea that the old America ever left, and now find themselves vindicated and elevated and celebrated. They are passionate and dangerous and nothing you say will change that. Does every person of privilege want some return to old America that includes savagery to those marginalized people who have always been here, who were brought here illegally, who travelled here under duress for life improvement? No, I certainly don’t ascribe to that belief, but those who don’t have misread the cues of the people before them and now we are stuck in an American Horror Story of our own making. The only way to change the story is to do the difficult work of looking at ourselves, our surroundings and our government and then work for change. Now that your President-elect is filling the spaces around him with divisive people, what will you do?

May you be emboldened to not show hate, but show systematic work to dismantle those who would tell us we don’t belong, don’t deserve and don’t matter. Remember that every day and person you show love and acceptance to in your small town or big city makes a lasting impact. And if all you can do is that, know you are thanked. Do more if you can, do your part and hold up the love Jesus showed to ALL people, even those who despised him through no fault of his own, and you too can change the world. It takes workers and caregivers to evoke change and both are equally important to the betterment of this place at this time in history. Because I want to be on the side of betterment, how about you?

The Chronic Sorry

Do you have a habit of apologizing after every perceived feeling of slight leveled at you by another person? You know when you speak your mind and someone looks at you like they don’t understand and you go, “I’m sorry”. Really? Do you even know what you are apologizing for? When you leave the situation are you stuck wondering about all the things you could have said, instead of sounding like a mindless drone. Frankly, you didn’t even do anything, you are just feeling someone else’s unease and jump in with your ‘sorry about that’ just to make them feel better, but it is only making you feel worse. You start feeling like you can’t do anything right, you have nothing valid to say and that others are plotting ways to not deal with you all because you have been lulled into the dangerous trap of the Chronic Sorry.

Chronic Sorry builds up the little people who only feel good when they are on a pedestal of their own making. They are always in charge of PTA and bake sales and fundraisers and dance decorations. If they aren’t they try to find ways to undermine your ideas because really, they should be in charge then everything would be perfect. I mean, just because your little Johnny wasn’t at Plaid Prep with their little Richard, you can’t possibly understand the importance of running a 5th grade dance! Now, yes, I certainly know this doesn’t apply to every person you meet. I know plenty of very personable PTA presidents who could crowd source rings around me and always has great ideas about dance decorations without making me feel inferior. So please take the sarcasm as it is intended, to make you smirk because you probably have encountered at least one of these people who lead you to offer the Chronic Sorry in their space.

I have a terrible case of Chronic Sorry. I am forever apologizing for not getting to that rewrite, or sweeping the classroom/playroom, or even for ordering pizza when I was supposed to cook. Often I am not getting around to something because I did 50 other items on my to-do list and put out 20 spontaneous fires that popped up and the thought of standing at the stove for another hour is more than I can handle. And really, once I am on the other side, I realize that this is realistic and my husband isn’t actually asking me to do more or even really upset about the idea of pizza. But in the moment I feel the unrelenting weight of guilt at not being all things to all people at all times. And how in the world did I learn that this was a thing to aspire to anyway. Not all women grew up with this idea, but many of us did and it inevitably leads to anxiety, depression, and Chronic Sorry. Those who find a way to break this cycle are doing a grand service to the next generation and not just females either. Males have their own weight of unrealistic expectations. If we could teach them that sharing responsibility when sharing a life is the ideal, that happiness, healthiness, and fun are just as important as the bottom line, we could all shake the dust of Chronic Sorry off our proverbial shoulders.

I am still working on it, it helps to have people in your world who call you on it. I do and thank goodness they help me see the error of my ways, but also that they don’t give up in exasperation when I continue because it just hasn’t become second nature yet. But I am optimistic that with prayer for a mind filled with pleasing thoughts, work on feeding my mind with pleasing things, and the determination to remember that I don’t have to fix all the problems alone, I too can be free of the Chronic Sorry and enable the next generation too!