self care Archives – Janshea Bowens

5 Habits Every Mom Should Develop

Hey everyone! I was thinking about how my life is taken up with a lot of care of children and family. Sometimes I believe I am doing a terrible job, as many of you might. But, I realize I often have these feeling more when I haven’t been paying attention to these 5 habits I’ve developed. Read on and even if you aren’t a mom, there might be a takeaway from the 5 habits every mom should develop.

1. Develop a self-care routine

You might think the idea of self-care is an overrated fad. It is so much more. Lots of people have realized that taking care of themselves should be a priority and not an afterthought. So while it seems as if the phrase just popped up and is used everywhere, it just means we have become more aware.

Illustration of a gold colored umbrella, under falling raindrops and the words ‘Take Care Of Yourself’.
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Many of the self-care routines you can use are small, everyday things you can do to make sure you feel good. There is skincare and makeup (if you wear it). These acts can be like a ritual that is calming and makes you feel prepared to face the world. Maybe you enjoy manicures, pedicures, or bubble baths. Any of these and things like them can calm our minds and refresh us. I also include hobbies in my idea of self-care. These things make us feel good by virtue of being something we make time to do. So don’t discount activities, that don’t involve the kids, that you enjoy.

2. Develop a schedule

Photo of dated planner with fountain pen
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

You are probably reading that title and shaking your head. I know, schedules can be the detrimental to our days. But they don’t have to be. Often as moms we are controlling many peoples schedules. There are sports, dance, martial arts, gymnastics, theater group, and a host of others. They all take up time in our responsibilities with our kids. We have to schedule weeks in advance to meet our friends for dinner! Yet, I find if I give myself a loose schedule, like a block schedule, I can be more focused and accomplish more than running a cab service and errands. I set aside blocks of time designated for different activities that happen daily and weekly. I make a few different iterations based on how the weeks change with activities.

So, my blocks might look something like this:

5:00-6:00 exercise
6:00-6:30 rest and recover
6:30-7:30 time in prayer and bible study
7:30-8:30 eat and dress
8:30-10:30 wake son and prepare for school
10:30-11:30 tidy up from the morning
11:30-12:30 school drop off
12:30-2:30 work
2:30-3:30 chores and start dinner

When the time is up for a particular item, I leave it and move to the next item. It isn’t always an option to immediately stop or leave it till the next block, but the habit helps keep you checking off your to-do lists. The times may get moved around, items are added on those days there are appointments and after school activities. But, if I can keep items in a prescribed time, I seem to accomplish more. Don’t we all want to check more things off those to-do lists?

3. Develop a habit of journaling

Now, you may think, “I don’t have time for that.” Or maybe you are saying, “I am not a writer.” Let me tell you, you do have time and you don’t have to be a crafter of the next great novel. While I am a writer, and I don’t journal everyday, I know it helps me when I do. I have been journaling for years and it has always been a great way for me to work through my feelings. Acknowledging them, even if we don’t share them with others, can be cathartic.

These days, I certainly don’t seem to have a lot of time to do full journal entries every day. I’m falling into my bed as soon as the last kid is safely in theirs. Cause let’s face it, I am mostly exhausted! Anyway, even if I don’t do a journal entry, I like to record one line of gratitude. What can I look back on and be thankful for in my day? Sometimes, it is as small as sharing laughter with the kids or finishing a project on time. Whatever it is, realizing that it wasn’t all doom and gloom that day makes our brains smile.

4. Develop your kids responsibility

I must say, I kind of dropped the ball on this. All my friends would be talking about the great skills around the house their kids have, and I am like “Hunh?” I realized that as a mother of children with special needs I had gotten into a rut of taking care of them with the many difficult things and forgot to let them spread their wings.

Chores and just general helping in the household, really sets up capable adults. And let’s face it, they won’t be young forever, we want them to go out into the world to be good and kind people. So, making sure they learn things like washing dishes, sweeping, care of their possessions, washing their own clothes, and cooking are pretty vital. There is a whole list of items broken down by age groups to guide you if you are lost. Bonus gift here is that you actually get to do less, more time for self-care.

Responsibilities dealing with executive functioning skills are big at our house. My son struggles a lot with them and my daughter often gets distracted and refuses to actually do them. So, helping them learn ways they can manage things like school assignments, preparing for the day, or practice for after school activities grows their brains and helps them form good habits. Now if I can find a way to teach them these things without the backlash, then I would be rich!

5. Have fun

Photo of four women of color looking at a mobile phone outside
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Parenting is a really hard job. No matter that people tell you before kids, after them you realize your idea was way off. So many things come up and are changing. Sometimes it is hour to hour and it becomes hard to keep up. While there are plenty of self help books out there, we don’t get a one size fits all education before we bring those little bundles home. You won’t get it right all the time and you will forget something vital, like the time I forgot to pick my kid up from school! The feeling of ruining their lives forever will come to haunt you. But, if you can view it all as an adventure of the unknown where even the bad things bring growth. I believe you can be in this season of mommyhood without losing it completely.

January 2019 In Review

It has been three long months since last we interacted, and I must say, I missed everyone. I missed sharing what I was up to, what my kids were doing, what I was reading. Really, everything. So, I am starting the year with a review of the month. Here is my January 2019 in review.

What Happened?

Three months is a long time to be away and I must say it was pretty stressful. The last few months of 2018 was a very stressful period for me. My son started a new school program in the afternoons. It was not going well. The stress of his attitude and behavior and struggle to adapt sparked a long bout of depression and anxiety. The whole situation felt like a blanket of concrete blocks I couldn’t remove. It took over my life, to the exclusion of all the things I like to do for myself. Then the anxiety of not updating the blog, or working on my book led to even more inaction. So, how did I move on from what happened?

New Year, New Start

As 2018 was coming to a close, I was able to set up some ideas for improving my son’s school situation. There was more of my own interests. This was my therapists idea. Every day should include one thing for me. This activity would have nothing to do with my kids or my spouse. It was a bit daunting to think of. It was like one more thing on my to-do list that would never get done. Yet, as I did it anyway, it was freeing not confining. Even if all I did was practice lettering, it was a moment of quiet in my mind. It lead to quiet in my heart and a more peaceful self. My interactions didn’t feel burdensome. I didn’t want to bite everyone’s head off because of the stress about everything. I planned to make 2019 a new year of a fresh, new start.

Okay, now what?

Well, we all know that many (most) of us search for a new start to a new year. There are all types of information on making resolutions, not making resolutions, how to start a new you! That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind though. I really wanted to just keep the momentum of doing small things for myself. The feeling of happiness it gave me, helped in all the corners of my life. Things still went wrong, things were forgotten, kids were still testing boundaries. But, the difference was now, I finally had that mindfulness to not be negatively affected. I even saw myself reacting with less volatility when exasperated and angry. So, now I want to keep that feeling and pull it out whenever I find myself getting lost in the stress of the day.

How is that working?

Best laid plans and all that is probably what you are thinking. A bit, but a lot less than I imagined. My writing is slowly getting back on track, hence the end of the month post. But, I am sticking to plans that check off small steps to the big finale. On the other hand, my goals page in my bullet journal is still waiting on me to finish it!

I am going to take all progress as good, so I say it is working. How is your new year shaping up? Do you make resolutions, are you sticking to your plans as we head into February? Help keep me accountable, I will look out for your success too.

Drowning in Demons

I sit here in one of my most sought after situations. My kids are visiting with their grandparents. I am home alone, with time and no distractions to keep me not only from the things I need to do, but also the things I want to do. I am in the midst of completing 50,000 words during National Novel Writing Month and it is imperative that I write daily. Of course, this doesn’t always happen but the real win is to write consistently. Yet today, I am not so sure it will happen.

But I can’t take advantage of this blessing, I am stuck on my couch battling the demons in my head. Do you have demons? Have you ever been depressed, racked by anxiety, unable to get out of bed, leave your house, complete basic daily tasks to ensure your survival? I have and I have battled them alone, with professionals, with medicines, with God. All these things work in combination for me, but sometimes when I am cruising through life feeling good about myself and making plans to conquer the world, I awake to the gnawing of my demons. Nothing untoward has happened, no one has been especially mean to me, I am surrounded by love, yet the need to cry over nothing, the feeling of deep darkness overtaking my mind, the exhaustible effort it takes to be cordial to those closest to you. Have you tried to explain to a child that you love them but please don’t talk to me, don’t touch me, don’t be too loud, don’t change, be different, love me, like me, fix me because I can’t seem to do it myself? Well, let me tell you, it is hard to explain mental illness to a child who just wants you to be present. They want to help but don’t really understand that they can’t, there is no help but time, hopefully. Hopefully this time, you can pull yourself out with the techniques you have honed throughout the years. Prayerfully you won’t be forced to spend months building yourself up again. You know what I hate the most about it, I don’t know what triggered it, I just know that I am crying and I had to write this and I have pages of responsibilities I need to attend to but as much as I keep trying, I can’t, won’t be able to do it today. What many won’t understand is that I really want to, I want to be different, often. I want to have no problems getting it together, never to need medical intervention, prayer warriors, and understanding loved ones. I don’t know if they have me on a pedestal, but I keep putting myself on one where I can always accomplish the tasks with laughter and aplomb. Today, friends, I am here to tell you, I really can’t do that. I really need to let myself be and know that it is okay to take care of myself, both mentally and physically. I am not perfect, I am not even looking for perfection. I am praying for grace and mercy to continue to be extended to me so that I can extend to those in my space. To do so, I must embrace it, the gift, freely given, and know that I am, in God’s eyes, perfect as is and every dark demon determined to conquer me, may have a moment where I am struggling under the burden of depression, anxiety and fear. But I will not stay there, I will fight, with all the tools available, for myself, because I matter. And because I matter, others matter too. You matter, I pray that you can remember that as you battle throughout your day and life. We matter, take extreme care, especially when the demons come to try and tell you it isn’t worth it. You are worth it and I am worth it, so let’s go to battle.