Well, I thank you for asking. It has been a blurry two months. August is always hazy as I relive the stillbirth of my son and try to eat my feelings away while the world goes on around me. Even with the outlet of this blog, I couldn’t find anything redeeming to post about, I didn’t figure my sadness was worthy of a post. Looking back, I should have known instead of being depressing, it might actually have been helpful for others and cathartic for me. Writing is often helpful in that way. But instead, I took my time with my feelings and memories. I have learned that taking this time to honor whatever I am feeling is very important. We are often taught to suppress our feelings because they can be unsettling to others. Yet, that leads to a suppression of ourselves that eventually leads to a destruction of ourselves and profound unhappiness. I think people confuse the idea of happiness. Other people don’t make us happy, but we can be happy with others. Happiness blooms from within our own flawed selves. Knowing what makes us tick is the epitome of being happy.
One problem with taking that time, is that by the time I get out of the haze, half of September is gone, the next half is spent worrying over our full October calendar. Also the realization that I won’t really be leaving the sadness of August behind anyway, that sadness follows you like a hungry puppy. I don’t spend all my time being sad, but the reality is that being sad is a constant since that day my son died. In October there is a birthday, an anniversary, and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Let’s not forget the kid favorite Halloween, in the 5 years since my son died I am sometimes so under that I forget to ask the older kids what they want to be until it is almost too late. I have to sell my right arm for the costume they really want because it has been locally sold out since September. Then I have to pick over the left over candy that no one even likes because I didn’t buy the good stuff for the trick-or-treaters in time! See, I don’t always have this parenting thing down. Keeping all those balls in the air feels heartbreaking sometimes and heartbreak is heavy! This year, I am happy to announce that I didn’t have to search Internet hell looking for that elusive costume because I actually came out of the haze in time to keep the Halloween ball up in the air! I take my successes where they come.
So, no August posts, no September posts but I am determined to get back to one of the few things that bring peace to the voices telling me despondent things about myself. Peace is a highly sought after commodity in my world. I hope you have missed my voice, even if you didn’t, I hope you will stop by again and see what new thing might be happening.
I have been in the dark of sadness and memories, I want to be back in the sunlight with the rest of the world. To that end, I look forward to sharing some words to bring myself a little sunlight and maybe you too. Join me whenever you can.
