Category: happiness

A Letter to My 25-Year-Old Self

As I look back over the almosts 20 years since that magical year I turned 25, I shudder a bit. I thought my life was meaningless, and I realize now, that I was more clueless than anything. So, I want to write down the things I would tell my 25 year old self.

What I would say…

Dearest Janshea,

When you look back at this time 20 years from now, I know you will be amazed at all the ways you have succeeded. Yes, there have been some missteps. Quite a few to be honest, but it won’t compare to the joy on the other side.

As you reach the magical age of 25, your mind tells you that because you are unhappy, you have failed. You have had a bad breakup, dislike your job, and feel stuck. Little girl Janshea had a master plan of being married by this point, blissfully planning her perfect family. Well, see that previous sentence about the bad breakup, yeah that wasn’t happening any time soon. Younger you also planned to have a great job she enjoyed along with the financial security that comes from saving and spending wisely. Now she has no idea what went wrong as none of those things can be checked off the list.

Getting rid of whatever doesn’t work!
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Throw away the “they”!

I am here to say don’t fret, don’t spend the year moping around because someone somewhere told you that you had to have your life tied up in a big red bow by this time. Who are these infamous “they” we always base our opinions on anyway? Let me tell you, “they” don’t have any clue about what makes you tick or how to get to your happy place. You have more growing to do before you are ready for life. That growth is essential. Not because of the future husband, family, or job, but because of the future Janshea. Not much is more important than being comfortable in your own skin and being okay with showing that person to the world.

Part of that knowing includes finding work that you don’t hate and getting a better plan on taking care of your money. Listen, I know everyone (“they”) says you have to find work you are passionate about. And it is great if you know your passion or you just stumble upon it while walking down the street and then get paid to do it. So, instead find a job you do well, with people you can get along with. It will still feel good to go to work and you can continue to look for your passion. Don’t forget to get money help! Can’t stress this one enough. Managing money doesn’t come easy to everyone, so just find someone to help you take care of yours.

What about that family?

Your master plans included a husband and plans for children. Umm, what gave you the idea this was a good idea? There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, what needs to be updated is your idea of when that should happen. Because let me tell you, you don’t have your mind in the right place for this particular dream. Hold on, keep working on yourself, and it will come. You know you are whispering “If you build it, they will come” in your head! Anyway, as clichéd as it sounds, just wait, just keep being you. You will grow into a better version of you and she will be awesome! Don’t rush the process.

Now for the kicker…

No, that is not me… but you get it. The unknown is coming!
Image by Omar Medina Films from Pixabay

Life is going to get unbelievably harder! I know you can’t imagine such a thing because a disappointing and unsuccessful 25 years is the pinnacle of your thoughts. Not to spoil it all by giving you worries before they are due, but I do want you to know you need a relationship with God and a strong network of people who love you. I don’t think there is any reason to start worrying you about specifics, because there is no changing things. But I can say, a strong faith, strong spouse, and rockstar friends are going to hold you up in some dark hours. You will not be alone, you will come through as a survivor. When you do, you get to share your wisdom, then comfort others and that’s a good feeling.

I know you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, listless, and even a bit angry. Let yourself feel everything, then pick yourself up and go about doing the work. The work to be your better self, the work to get you out of a dead-end space, the work needed to get you here. I stand here 20 years later shaking my head at how you think things are over. But I also stand here awed at your will to survive.

In love,

Janshea, 20+ years later

Vacation Fatigue

Have you ever heard of the term ‘I need a vacation from my vacation’? If you haven’t, it is when you take a vacation and do so many things that when you get back to your obligations, you are exhausted! Vacation should be a time of rejuvenation, even if you are exploring new things. For me, vacations almost always include my kids and therefore it is much like being home, but in a different setting. There are sibling squabbles and cries of hunger. The inevitable scrapes and bruises, and the ever-present need to keep some semblance of our regular schedule, especially so we can sleep. That last one probably doesn’t apply to many, I know many kids who handle change and flexibility well. My kids do not. AT. All. So, yeah, I went away on a lovely vacation and now that we are back and thrust immediately into camps, friends, and a need to unpack; I need some alone time to recoup my senses. Not going to happen soon, unfortunately, so I just use the times between and after activities to sit and just be. You know, when they let me, because spending time with friends isn’t enough and once home, you still want to interact with me!

What I have learned, is not to over schedule  our summers anymore. I am sure this need to schedule comes from a weird place many of us seem to have these days, that our kids will be ruined and forget their names if we don’t schedule every moment of their summer with the right balance of fun and learning. The super great, Bunmi Laditan, of  The Honest Toddler recently wrote that “I think this generation of parents is the first one to believe they need to create good memories for their kids via structured activities forgetting that childhood, when safe and watered, is intrinsically fun.” She goes on in this cool thread about how she feels the comparison heavy world of social media leads us to feel we must one up the other parents with how many fun activities we can do with our own kids. That last sentence is me paraphrasing and adding my own emphasis to Ms. Laditan’s words. For sure click on the above link to read it yourself, there is more good stuff there. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming. I think she has a good point. Not everything good for kids in the past is good for them now. And, I really hate the adage ‘my parents did this thing and I turned out fine.’ So this isn’t that either. But, I had some structured events during the summer, but mostly it was me going outside and finding something to do. Often friends were around, sometimes not. Sometimes this hanging out outside happened at a friend’s house. Either way, my summers felt fun. I remember the time with happiness and when it was time to go back to school and write the inevitable ‘what did you do this summer’ paper, I was rested and ready, emotionally too, to go back. All that to back up why I no longer schedule all the fun into our summers. The first time I did this, I was a frazzled, stressed out mess. Even before the new school year started, I wanted out from under them so I could rest! The kids seemed keyed up too, and I’m not sure if they felt they had even had a break from school when it was all done. I don’t want to feel like that again, so I changed the way I did things.

This summer, we are doing what has been pretty successful the last few years. The kids have 2-3 scheduled events like camp or vacation and otherwise we just go where the mood strikes on a daily basis. Sometimes that is the beach, or a friend’s house, the park, or the library. Dare I say, we even just hang out at home sometimes. And my highly scientific research tells me that we are all happier because of it. We had to jump right into some of those scheduled plans when we returned from vacation which has a lot to do with me feeling like I still need rest. I usually can just hang around and get that vacation from my vacation, not so this time. But, I roll better with it now and my kids are learning to do the same.

Where Have You Been?

Well, I thank you for asking. It has been a blurry two months. August is always hazy as I relive the stillbirth of my son and try to eat my feelings away while the world goes on around me. Even with the outlet of this blog, I couldn’t find anything redeeming to post about, I didn’t figure my sadness was worthy of a post. Looking back, I should have known instead of being depressing, it might actually have been helpful for others and cathartic for me. Writing is often helpful in that way. But instead, I took my time with my feelings and memories. I have learned that taking this time to honor whatever I am feeling is very important. We are often taught to suppress our feelings because they can be unsettling to others. Yet, that leads to a suppression of ourselves that eventually leads to a destruction of ourselves and profound unhappiness. I think people confuse the idea of happiness. Other people don’t make us happy, but we can be happy with others. Happiness blooms from within our own flawed selves. Knowing what makes us tick is the epitome of being happy. 

One problem with taking that time, is that by the time I get out of the haze, half of September is gone, the next half is spent worrying over our full October calendar. Also the realization that I won’t really be leaving the sadness of August behind anyway, that sadness follows you like a hungry puppy. I don’t spend all my time being sad, but the reality is that being sad is a constant since that day my son died. In October there is a birthday, an anniversary, and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Let’s not forget the kid favorite Halloween, in the 5 years since my son died I am sometimes so under that I forget to ask the older kids what they want to be until it is almost too late. I have to sell my right arm for the costume they really want because it has been locally sold out since September. Then I have to pick over the left over candy that no one even likes because I didn’t buy the good stuff for the trick-or-treaters in time! See, I don’t always have this parenting thing down. Keeping all those balls in the air feels heartbreaking sometimes and heartbreak is heavy! This year, I am happy to announce that I didn’t have to search Internet hell looking for that elusive costume because I actually came out of the haze in time to keep the Halloween ball up in the air! I take my successes where they come.

So, no August posts, no September posts but I am determined to get back to one of the few things that bring peace to the voices telling me despondent things about myself. Peace is a highly sought after commodity in my world. I hope you have missed my voice, even if you didn’t, I hope you will stop by again and see what new thing might be happening.

I have been in the dark of sadness and memories, I want to be back in the sunlight with the rest of the world. To that end, I look forward to sharing some words to bring myself a little sunlight and maybe you too. Join me whenever you can.