Month: October 2016

The Chronic Sorry

Do you have a habit of apologizing after every perceived feeling of slight leveled at you by another person? You know when you speak your mind and someone looks at you like they don’t understand and you go, “I’m sorry”. Really? Do you even know what you are apologizing for? When you leave the situation are you stuck wondering about all the things you could have said, instead of sounding like a mindless drone. Frankly, you didn’t even do anything, you are just feeling someone else’s unease and jump in with your ‘sorry about that’ just to make them feel better, but it is only making you feel worse. You start feeling like you can’t do anything right, you have nothing valid to say and that others are plotting ways to not deal with you all because you have been lulled into the dangerous trap of the Chronic Sorry.

Chronic Sorry builds up the little people who only feel good when they are on a pedestal of their own making. They are always in charge of PTA and bake sales and fundraisers and dance decorations. If they aren’t they try to find ways to undermine your ideas because really, they should be in charge then everything would be perfect. I mean, just because your little Johnny wasn’t at Plaid Prep with their little Richard, you can’t possibly understand the importance of running a 5th grade dance! Now, yes, I certainly know this doesn’t apply to every person you meet. I know plenty of very personable PTA presidents who could crowd source rings around me and always has great ideas about dance decorations without making me feel inferior. So please take the sarcasm as it is intended, to make you smirk because you probably have encountered at least one of these people who lead you to offer the Chronic Sorry in their space. 

I have a terrible case of Chronic Sorry. I am forever apologizing for not getting to that rewrite, or sweeping the classroom/playroom, or even for ordering pizza when I was supposed to cook. Often I am not getting around to something because I did 50 other items on my to-do list and put out 20 spontaneous fires that popped up and the thought of standing at the stove for another hour is more than I can handle. And really, once I am on the other side, I realize that this is realistic and my husband isn’t actually asking me to do more or even really upset about the idea of pizza. But in the moment I feel the unrelenting weight of guilt at not being all things to all people at all times. And how in the world did I learn that this was a thing to aspire to anyway. Not all women grew up with this idea, but many of us did and it inevitably leads to anxiety, depression, and Chronic Sorry. Those who find a way to break this cycle are doing a grand service to the next generation and not just females either. Males have their own weight of unrealistic expectations. If we could teach them that sharing responsibility when sharing a life is the ideal, that happiness, healthiness, and fun are just as important as the bottom line, we could all shake the dust of Chronic Sorry off our proverbial shoulders. 

I am still working on it, it helps to have people in your world who call you on it. I do and thank goodness they help me see the error of my ways, but also that they don’t give up in exasperation when I continue because it just hasn’t become second nature yet. But I am optimistic that with prayer for a mind filled with pleasing thoughts, work on feeding my mind with pleasing things, and the determination to remember that I don’t have to fix all the problems alone, I too can be free of the Chronic Sorry and enable the next generation too!

Where Have You Been?

Well, I thank you for asking. It has been a blurry two months. August is always hazy as I relive the stillbirth of my son and try to eat my feelings away while the world goes on around me. Even with the outlet of this blog, I couldn’t find anything redeeming to post about, I didn’t figure my sadness was worthy of a post. Looking back, I should have known instead of being depressing, it might actually have been helpful for others and cathartic for me. Writing is often helpful in that way. But instead, I took my time with my feelings and memories. I have learned that taking this time to honor whatever I am feeling is very important. We are often taught to suppress our feelings because they can be unsettling to others. Yet, that leads to a suppression of ourselves that eventually leads to a destruction of ourselves and profound unhappiness. I think people confuse the idea of happiness. Other people don’t make us happy, but we can be happy with others. Happiness blooms from within our own flawed selves. Knowing what makes us tick is the epitome of being happy. 

One problem with taking that time, is that by the time I get out of the haze, half of September is gone, the next half is spent worrying over our full October calendar. Also the realization that I won’t really be leaving the sadness of August behind anyway, that sadness follows you like a hungry puppy. I don’t spend all my time being sad, but the reality is that being sad is a constant since that day my son died. In October there is a birthday, an anniversary, and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Let’s not forget the kid favorite Halloween, in the 5 years since my son died I am sometimes so under that I forget to ask the older kids what they want to be until it is almost too late. I have to sell my right arm for the costume they really want because it has been locally sold out since September. Then I have to pick over the left over candy that no one even likes because I didn’t buy the good stuff for the trick-or-treaters in time! See, I don’t always have this parenting thing down. Keeping all those balls in the air feels heartbreaking sometimes and heartbreak is heavy! This year, I am happy to announce that I didn’t have to search Internet hell looking for that elusive costume because I actually came out of the haze in time to keep the Halloween ball up in the air! I take my successes where they come.

So, no August posts, no September posts but I am determined to get back to one of the few things that bring peace to the voices telling me despondent things about myself. Peace is a highly sought after commodity in my world. I hope you have missed my voice, even if you didn’t, I hope you will stop by again and see what new thing might be happening.

I have been in the dark of sadness and memories, I want to be back in the sunlight with the rest of the world. To that end, I look forward to sharing some words to bring myself a little sunlight and maybe you too. Join me whenever you can.