Month: March 2019

A Letter to My 25-Year-Old Self

As I look back over the almosts 20 years since that magical year I turned 25, I shudder a bit. I thought my life was meaningless, and I realize now, that I was more clueless than anything. So, I want to write down the things I would tell my 25 year old self.

What I would say…

Dearest Janshea,

When you look back at this time 20 years from now, I know you will be amazed at all the ways you have succeeded. Yes, there have been some missteps. Quite a few to be honest, but it won’t compare to the joy on the other side.

As you reach the magical age of 25, your mind tells you that because you are unhappy, you have failed. You have had a bad breakup, dislike your job, and feel stuck. Little girl Janshea had a master plan of being married by this point, blissfully planning her perfect family. Well, see that previous sentence about the bad breakup, yeah that wasn’t happening any time soon. Younger you also planned to have a great job she enjoyed along with the financial security that comes from saving and spending wisely. Now she has no idea what went wrong as none of those things can be checked off the list.

Getting rid of whatever doesn’t work!
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Throw away the “they”!

I am here to say don’t fret, don’t spend the year moping around because someone somewhere told you that you had to have your life tied up in a big red bow by this time. Who are these infamous “they” we always base our opinions on anyway? Let me tell you, “they” don’t have any clue about what makes you tick or how to get to your happy place. You have more growing to do before you are ready for life. That growth is essential. Not because of the future husband, family, or job, but because of the future Janshea. Not much is more important than being comfortable in your own skin and being okay with showing that person to the world.

Part of that knowing includes finding work that you don’t hate and getting a better plan on taking care of your money. Listen, I know everyone (“they”) says you have to find work you are passionate about. And it is great if you know your passion or you just stumble upon it while walking down the street and then get paid to do it. So, instead find a job you do well, with people you can get along with. It will still feel good to go to work and you can continue to look for your passion. Don’t forget to get money help! Can’t stress this one enough. Managing money doesn’t come easy to everyone, so just find someone to help you take care of yours.

What about that family?

Your master plans included a husband and plans for children. Umm, what gave you the idea this was a good idea? There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, what needs to be updated is your idea of when that should happen. Because let me tell you, you don’t have your mind in the right place for this particular dream. Hold on, keep working on yourself, and it will come. You know you are whispering “If you build it, they will come” in your head! Anyway, as clichéd as it sounds, just wait, just keep being you. You will grow into a better version of you and she will be awesome! Don’t rush the process.

Now for the kicker…

No, that is not me… but you get it. The unknown is coming!
Image by Omar Medina Films from Pixabay

Life is going to get unbelievably harder! I know you can’t imagine such a thing because a disappointing and unsuccessful 25 years is the pinnacle of your thoughts. Not to spoil it all by giving you worries before they are due, but I do want you to know you need a relationship with God and a strong network of people who love you. I don’t think there is any reason to start worrying you about specifics, because there is no changing things. But I can say, a strong faith, strong spouse, and rockstar friends are going to hold you up in some dark hours. You will not be alone, you will come through as a survivor. When you do, you get to share your wisdom, then comfort others and that’s a good feeling.

I know you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, listless, and even a bit angry. Let yourself feel everything, then pick yourself up and go about doing the work. The work to be your better self, the work to get you out of a dead-end space, the work needed to get you here. I stand here 20 years later shaking my head at how you think things are over. But I also stand here awed at your will to survive.

In love,

Janshea, 20+ years later

5 Habits Every Mom Should Develop

Hey everyone! I was thinking about how my life is taken up with a lot of care of children and family. Sometimes I believe I am doing a terrible job, as many of you might. But, I realize I often have these feeling more when I haven’t been paying attention to these 5 habits I’ve developed. Read on and even if you aren’t a mom, there might be a takeaway from the 5 habits every mom should develop.

1. Develop a self-care routine

You might think the idea of self-care is an overrated fad. It is so much more. Lots of people have realized that taking care of themselves should be a priority and not an afterthought. So while it seems as if the phrase just popped up and is used everywhere, it just means we have become more aware.

Illustration of a gold colored umbrella, under falling raindrops and the words ‘Take Care Of Yourself’.
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Many of the self-care routines you can use are small, everyday things you can do to make sure you feel good. There is skincare and makeup (if you wear it). These acts can be like a ritual that is calming and makes you feel prepared to face the world. Maybe you enjoy manicures, pedicures, or bubble baths. Any of these and things like them can calm our minds and refresh us. I also include hobbies in my idea of self-care. These things make us feel good by virtue of being something we make time to do. So don’t discount activities, that don’t involve the kids, that you enjoy.

2. Develop a schedule

Photo of dated planner with fountain pen
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

You are probably reading that title and shaking your head. I know, schedules can be the detrimental to our days. But they don’t have to be. Often as moms we are controlling many peoples schedules. There are sports, dance, martial arts, gymnastics, theater group, and a host of others. They all take up time in our responsibilities with our kids. We have to schedule weeks in advance to meet our friends for dinner! Yet, I find if I give myself a loose schedule, like a block schedule, I can be more focused and accomplish more than running a cab service and errands. I set aside blocks of time designated for different activities that happen daily and weekly. I make a few different iterations based on how the weeks change with activities.

So, my blocks might look something like this:

  • 5:00-6:00 exercise
  • 6:00-6:30 rest and recover
  • 6:30-7:30 time in prayer and bible study
  • 7:30-8:30 eat and dress
  • 8:30-10:30 wake son and prepare for school
  • 10:30-11:30 tidy up from the morning
  • 11:30-12:30 school drop off
  • 12:30-2:30 work
  • 2:30-3:30 chores and start dinner

When the time is up for a particular item, I leave it and move to the next item. It isn’t always an option to immediately stop or leave it till the next block, but the habit helps keep you checking off your to-do lists. The times may get moved around, items are added on those days there are appointments and after school activities. But, if I can keep items in a prescribed time, I seem to accomplish more. Don’t we all want to check more things off those to-do lists?

3. Develop a habit of journaling

Now, you may think, “I don’t have time for that.” Or maybe you are saying, “I am not a writer.” Let me tell you, you do have time and you don’t have to be a crafter of the next great novel. While I am a writer, and I don’t journal everyday, I know it helps me when I do. I have been journaling for years and it has always been a great way for me to work through my feelings. Acknowledging them, even if we don’t share them with others, can be cathartic.

These days, I certainly don’t seem to have a lot of time to do full journal entries every day. I’m falling into my bed as soon as the last kid is safely in theirs. Cause let’s face it, I am mostly exhausted! Anyway, even if I don’t do a journal entry, I like to record one line of gratitude. What can I look back on and be thankful for in my day? Sometimes, it is as small as sharing laughter with the kids or finishing a project on time. Whatever it is, realizing that it wasn’t all doom and gloom that day makes our brains smile.

4. Develop your kids responsibility

I must say, I kind of dropped the ball on this. All my friends would be talking about the great skills around the house their kids have, and I am like “Hunh?” I realized that as a mother of children with special needs I had gotten into a rut of taking care of them with the many difficult things and forgot to let them spread their wings.

Chores and just general helping in the household, really sets up capable adults. And let’s face it, they won’t be young forever, we want them to go out into the world to be good and kind people. So, making sure they learn things like washing dishes, sweeping, care of their possessions, washing their own clothes, and cooking are pretty vital. There is a whole list of items broken down by age groups to guide you if you are lost. Bonus gift here is that you actually get to do less, more time for self-care.

Responsibilities dealing with executive functioning skills are big at our house. My son struggles a lot with them and my daughter often gets distracted and refuses to actually do them. So, helping them learn ways they can manage things like school assignments, preparing for the day, or practice for after school activities grows their brains and helps them form good habits. Now if I can find a way to teach them these things without the backlash, then I would be rich!

5. Have fun

Photo of four women of color looking at a mobile phone outside
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 




Parenting is a really hard job. No matter that people tell you before kids, after them you realize your idea was way off. So many things come up and are changing. Sometimes it is hour to hour and it becomes hard to keep up. While there are plenty of self help books out there, we don’t get a one size fits all education before we bring those little bundles home. You won’t get it right all the time and you will forget something vital, like the time I forgot to pick my kid up from school! The feeling of ruining their lives forever will come to haunt you. But, if you can view it all as an adventure of the unknown where even the bad things bring growth. I believe you can be in this season of mommyhood without losing it completely.