Category: 2E

Autism at Our House

Once again, it is April and we find ourselves in Autism Awareness Month. I have written about it previously and why I am on board with Autism Acceptance and not (just) Awareness. You can read about my thoughts here. This year, I am going to show you two views of autism at our house.

Sometimes it is BAD

Picture of five people walking in a desert with the words "This is Bad" written across it.
Picture of five people walking in a desert with the words “This is Bad” written across it.

Recently my son decided he did not want to go to his expected appointment. I decided that he was capable of doing so, therefore he would go. It didn’t end well for either of us. A bit of backstory, he works better when he has advance notice of places to be or things he has to do. Even with knowing in advance, he needs constant repetition for it not to feel overwhelming to him.

Fast forward to the day of his appointment. He knew of this appointment, it is recurring as a matter of fact. I had done my due diligence in reminding him often, the last being just an hour before. Once the time came to go, he felt bad and refused to leave. I assured him that he could talk to the professional and assess whether he could complete the appointment. This was a strategy we had come up with the last time this happened. He continued to insist that this time, that was not going to work and he didn’t care what I said, he wasn’t going.

Now, a lot of my parenting is spent keeping my inner 10-year old from coming out to eviscerate anyone it feels is out to get me. This often means my kids. They are not really out to get me, but the push back sounds like it to my inner kid. Keepiing that inner kid quiet looks like me speaking in calm, quiet tones. Not engaging when I am told how much I’m mean and hated. Walking away whenever the verbal attacks feel like too much or morphe into physical attacks. Most of the time it works and we can all reset and address the problem.

It gets WORSE

Picture of red flames on a black background, the words "Then it was Worse" written across it.
Pictue of red flames on a black background, the words “Then it was Worse” written across it.

That didn’t work this time. It failed spectacularly, with fireworks and club music as accompanying background. I started off well. I repeated what he should do, what was expected, how we could compromise and he still refused to budge. His refusal went so far as to have him falling on the floor in abject horror at the very idea. I realized I was not going to get him to move and had to accept it. Next was to move on and make sure I followed through with the expected consequences.

When I tried to walk away, he decided that was not acceptable. He then locked his body around my feet and legs in an effort to ensure I did not walk away. This was the beginning of the end. No matter the calm I had been able to foster up until this point, I now lost all of it. I ended up in fight to keep myself safe from my own son. I was heartbroken and wrong and devastated at what I saw as my failure to be able to handle anything.

But being able to handle everything is not the mark of a good parent, it isn’t the mark of a bad one either, frankly, it is just a lie we have told ourselves. Where does it say we are supposed to handle every situation with grace and aplomb? Nowhere I have found. I spend a lot of time with my son, schooling him, transporting him to appointments, and everything in between. Somehow, I still fall into the myth that I am in control of him. Well, I am not. I can not control him, just as I can not control any other person. At the end of hours of back and forth, I felt defeated and torn apart by the actions and words we had inflicted on one another. I wanted to give up, and I probably did for a few hours at the end there.

Other times, it is awe-inspiring

Picture of a field of white and blue wildflowers, the word "Awed" is written over it.
Phot of a field of white and blue wildflowers, the word “Awed” is written over it.

My son has a keen and quick mind. It is often used in myriad efforts designed to make his life easier. Unfortunately his idea of easy, is really just him cutting corners and trying to get the most with the least effort. This sounds like a terrible thing, and in some cases it is just delaying the inevitable. Sometimes though, he comes up with great ideas that work well, especially for him.

There was the time he made grilled cheese by toasting bread, buttering it, then melting cheese between the slices in the microwave. All because he didn’t want to clean up a pan, nor wait for it to heat up. I may not want to eat this type of grilled cheese, but he loves it, can do it himself, and doesn’t leave a mess I have to beg him to clean up later.

There was the time I realized he saw adding three digit numbers and multiplying as patterns he broke down in his head to get the right answers. I would require him to show his work as he started working multi-step problems. My son would balk at the very idea of writing any more than he absolutely had to in order to get the answer. Often, in his mind, this meant he only wrote down an answer. I finally stopped complaining and cajoling and asked him how he got the answer.

Then he explained himself and my mouth dropped open, I had to ask him to slow down and repeat himself. The answer was a complicated, to me, series of patterns that he saw clearly and used to come to the answer. I have taken several higher level math courses and had never thought in the ways he did. Some of his ways were better for understanding what was going on anyway. And that should be the outcome of education. We should understand so that we can then apply it and answer problems. We should not be memorizing facts that last for a year or shorter with no way to translate it to the next step.

Nothing is dull

As in many areas of our lives, life with him is good and bad, up and down. What it isn’t is a death sentence. It isn’t a sad thing. He struggles with some things, at others he excels beyond my imaginings. Life with him is not what I pictured when I found out I was pregnant. In many, many ways, it is so much harder and painful. Yet, when I stop focusing on the difficult, negative things, I see the great beauty of viewing life the way he does. It is quirky, and funny, and wild. It is full of breath stopping hugs and kisses on your arm when you least expect it. He brings a dimension to our lives that only he can. And I know, God made him for just such a time as this.

I challenge you to accept, not only the autistic people in your life, but anyone different than yourself. Different isn’t bad, or wrong, or made to be hidden. Different is, just as the sun is. And you wouldn’t want to be without the sun, would you?

3 Books of My Late Summer Reading To-Do List

Have you been reading this summer? I spend a lot of time reading, a host of genres. Really anything that captures my attention I will try. I even have that terrible feeling of guilt to finish books I don’t really like. So, I generally have a never-ending books to read list that grows daily as I find more interesting stories I want to give a try. This summer I meant to catch up on some books I had on my list from earlier in the year and read one parenting book in regards to my 2e children. Well, like many of you probably, summer was a blur of fun, pools, beaches, camps, and video games. While the kids did all of that, I found myself gravitating to quick and fun reads with tons of HEAs. So, I didn’t get to some of those books I originally planned on, but I read other great stories, so it isn’t a bust! Now, as we have only a few weeks before back to school here in Central Florida, I am re-committing to finishing these three books.

  1. Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi – this book has had a lot of great buzz. Many writers I enjoy following made me aware of Ms. Adeyemi before the publication in February. Then I saw the viral video of her unpacking her first box of bound books and I knew I wanted to be a part of her expansive love of words. This fantasy tells the story of one girl’s journey to reintroduce magic to her world along with fighting the ruling monarchy. Grand new world with interesting characters and qualities, check. There are wonderful takes on mythology, religion, and culture, so sign me up to be immersed in this newly imagined world where a girl is fighting to save us all. And, it is now a summer read on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show, which is awesome exposure for the author. This is a must read on my list and I can’t wait to jump into Orïsha through the pages of this novel.
  2. Cedric The Demonic Knight by Valerie Willis – in the vein of transparency, I personally know Ms. Willis but haven’t read her work before. This is the first in the Cedric Series and was published a few years ago. Here we get to go on another adventure into a fantasy world built with folklore, myths, and history from the 12th century. It is filled with beasts and demons, where Cedric battles himself in an epic choice quest. I always find it fascinating the many ways writers use and interpret folklore and myth. I am excited to finally read this fantasy world.
  3. The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. – as you know through many of my posts, I have twice exceptional (2e) kids and sometimes that means things don’t go so smoothly. One of the psychiatrists in our lives suggested I read this book to better equip myself and our family with understanding behaviors, identifying triggers, and solving problems in a proactive manner. I have read the first couple of chapters and I see us in almost every paragraph. So, I look forward to reading this popular parenting guide that has been useful to so many others and recommended by those we entrust with our physical and mental health.

Now that I have this goal, I’m planning to finish by September 30th. Stay tuned to see if I can do it.

Mommy Needs A Time Out

I am struggling with a way to talk about my day without sounding like a dictionary of clichés, but I really don’t know if that is possible. Or maybe, it isn’t quite possible for my brain to work in a manner that does not rely on clichés to get its point across.

I have talked about my autistic son and our struggles a number of times here, but I haven’t shared much of his sister’s journey. She is not autistic but does struggle with being twice exceptional, or 2E, and being the sister of the child who is different. If you want a refresher on 2E, you can read my post about it with some educational links. She is currently also in therapy to help her deal with anxiety and other coping skills needed to traverse her world as a gifted, asynchronous student. And all that sounds wonderful, today was a dose of the gritty reality.

We have talked about her school day, she seems to have had a good day and is excited because she got to spend money in the “Holiday Shop” at school. Now, this is set up so the students can pick small gifts for their family. She has apparently spent most of the money on gifts for herself. Besides, it isn’t as if she has earned this money, she has to ask us for it. She has eaten, fast food cause it was that kind of day, and has been given a deadline for rest in anticipation of homework time. Every time, I think that will be enough. That speaking to them in a reasonable manner will allay struggles against doing tasks they don’t won’t to do. It felt today as if this technique only works about 10% of the time. Whenever things are going bad, it is hard to see and remember the many good times. The times where you get more cooperation than opposition and more smiles than tears seem light years away, almost as if you have never experienced them. So, it comes time for homework and because I have told her to allow me to get the homework out and bring it to her, she has lost her mind. Screams are heard, bodies are thrown around, pencils go flying and papers are torn. What? Really? Because you can’t get the homework folder, you are now incapable of reading the directions or completing your homework. You need your parents to sit with you, you don’t need to calm down, you aren’t going to your room, you won’t stop screaming at your brother who is only trying to help. Her loving disposition has turned into that of a wet cat cornered in an alley. She is kicking, screaming, and scratching anything or anyone who gets close. She can’t tell help for harm anymore and no rational thoughts are going through her mind.

It always starts so innocuous. We are skipping through the tulips and then BAM! a bull comes out and tramples us under his hooves. That is how it feels. You are doing all the things normally noted to ensure a smooth transition between school and home. Yet, sometimes those techniques don’t do what they are designed to do. She needs more time, but she won’t say that, it is just meltdown over not being allowed to get her homework. Now, you may be thinking, why didn’t you just let her get her own homework. To be honest, I was  executing a plan which included them cleaning up the tasks they were working on while I distributed homework. I had a plan and wasn’t flexible fast enough to head off the meltdown. I don’t always get it right. That is the key. I just don’t get it right every time. We think once we are parents that we will somehow be magically equipped with the right response to every thing that happens. The thousands of parenting books we are told we should read in preparation lulls us into thinking that is all it takes, knowledge of what to do when. Well, the real world doesn’t work like that and not just when it comes to parenting. I am struggling like most parents I know, to get it right. Parent guilt is a thing, especially if you are wholly invested in giving your kids a solid foundation for going out into the world. Which, I must say, I think is every parent until proven otherwise. It helps me sleep at night, true or not. I start off with the calm, low voice. You know, the one designed to force them to listen hard and reassure them you still love them. No matter that they have pulled everything off the shelves in Target, you are here, a never-changing bulwark of love. You constantly redirect the behavior, repeat the requirement, and swallow your tongue when she screams “I don’t care” and throws the pencil for the fifteenth time tonight! Then, by time twenty, you have lost it too. You want to let your inner seven-year old out to play and that seven-year old inside you wants to kick and scream to voice their displeasure and show the kid you can do it too. You can meltdown without a care in the world, and while you are doing it, if you are doing it, it feels freeing and fun. Then immediately you feel disgusted with yourself, at your lack of ability to not let an eight-year old drag you down into the abyss. You scream and then you rein it back in, a desperate attempt to re-exert your control. Frankly, it hardly ever works. The only way to really get control again is to apologize for your behavior and take yourself off to lick your wounds. Basically you have to do all the things you tell the kids they need to do in order to change their behavior. Ugh, it is such a bad feeling when your kids make you eat your words. I take this moment to tell them that Mommy needs a time out, then I run and lock myself in my bedroom in a desperate attempt to keep them from following me.

And that is the lesson you have to learn for yourself. Sometimes, Mommy needs a time out in order to be tuned in to the other important things. Because, honestly, the homework was only the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. She was obviously carrying around feelings about something else that had taken place in her day but couldn’t really articulate that. A meltdown over homework was her cry for help. Me screaming about the definition of “fair” was mine. So, I calmly told them I should take a time out since I was resorting to raising my voice. Then I pushed them out of my room and locked the door and read a book until I could think about opening that door without screaming.

Get Up Anyhow


This past week has been plagued with illness and ridiculous defiance in the face of truth, and that was just my house. You may remember me talking about my oldest son who has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Anxiety, Aggressive Mood Disorder and is Gifted. He has what is routinely described as asynchronous development and is twice exceptional. You can read about those terms here and here. For the past two years my daughter’s behavior has deteriorated at a rapid rate and while I knew she is Gifted with asynchronous development, we thought otherwise she was a neurotypical girl, so did the doctors. Yet, I know that has now changed and our daily interactions just bring it to the forefront. Now I am in a household with two people struggling as I struggle to learn how to help them. Soon she will be going for a round of new evaluations but until there are not only answers but solutions to try, there is just this space filled with strife. It is debilitating to live in this constant, daily strife and I often fill angry at the turn of events. I also feel so guilty about these feelings, but after 6 years of dealing with my oldest son, I know that feeling the guilt is normal and you have to learn to acknowledge and move past it. My son has come a long way with the help of a lot of professionals, and it seems as he gained more control, my daughter lost more control. He still has a long way to go and now I am having to start over again with her. I feel beat up, beat down and despondent many days. I don’t want to engage, I don’t want to face another day where people I love are constantly using me as a whipping post. Knowing that they don’t mean it, don’t do it on purpose, and barely are aware of their wrongdoing doesn’t always help me cope. So I have to learn to help them, myself, and other people to understand the struggle that doesn’t look like struggle at all. We look like the typical family, they look like every other kid many would call normal or fine. But they aren’t. Daily they struggle with the world around them, the world in their head, the expectations of everyone they meet. They can’t always keep instructions straight, things they do daily are often forgotten from one moment and day to the next. They are literal, and truthful, and hurting, and scared, and smart, and funny, and loving, and caring. They are multi-faceted like me and you but most people can’t see past the differences in them to embrace them. I am praying to be strengthened moment by moment to help them bridge the gap, to raise awareness, to be a good example. But let me tell you, I am not always a good example, I lose my cool, I yell, I use bad words and I walk away and cry over the reality of my existence. I scream at the unfairness, I rail against the pain of waking up every day to do the same things, I worry if they will always need me as they think they do, sometimes I want to give up and I voice it out loud. Yet, I get up every day to do it, to find another study, doctor, therapist, school, book, video, and tool to further their growth and development without killing the things that make them unique and extremely special. I am tired, I am weary, I get up anyhow. They look to me for everything and while it is draining, it is also a bit amazing. The amazingly beautiful things they accomplish keep me going and are a part of why I can Get Up Anyhow.

I have found this book by Tony Atwood to be helpful with High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s Syndrome. Most have heard of the groundbreaking work of Temple Grandin and this book is one we have in rotation at home. I have heard wonderful things about this book for Gifted/2E children and it is on my wish list. This book about emotions in Gifted/2E children is also on my wish list, as it describes my daughter well. Maybe you have found other books or sites helpful, feel encouraged to share them in the comments.