self love Archives – Janshea Bowens

A Letter to My 25-Year-Old Self

As I look back over the almosts 20 years since that magical year I turned 25, I shudder a bit. I thought my life was meaningless, and I realize now, that I was more clueless than anything. So, I want to write down the things I would tell my 25 year old self.

What I would say…

Dearest Janshea,

When you look back at this time 20 years from now, I know you will be amazed at all the ways you have succeeded. Yes, there have been some missteps. Quite a few to be honest, but it won’t compare to the joy on the other side.

As you reach the magical age of 25, your mind tells you that because you are unhappy, you have failed. You have had a bad breakup, dislike your job, and feel stuck. Little girl Janshea had a master plan of being married by this point, blissfully planning her perfect family. Well, see that previous sentence about the bad breakup, yeah that wasn’t happening any time soon. Younger you also planned to have a great job she enjoyed along with the financial security that comes from saving and spending wisely. Now she has no idea what went wrong as none of those things can be checked off the list.

Getting rid of whatever doesn’t work!
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Throw away the “they”!

I am here to say don’t fret, don’t spend the year moping around because someone somewhere told you that you had to have your life tied up in a big red bow by this time. Who are these infamous “they” we always base our opinions on anyway? Let me tell you, “they” don’t have any clue about what makes you tick or how to get to your happy place. You have more growing to do before you are ready for life. That growth is essential. Not because of the future husband, family, or job, but because of the future Janshea. Not much is more important than being comfortable in your own skin and being okay with showing that person to the world.

Part of that knowing includes finding work that you don’t hate and getting a better plan on taking care of your money. Listen, I know everyone (“they”) says you have to find work you are passionate about. And it is great if you know your passion or you just stumble upon it while walking down the street and then get paid to do it. So, instead find a job you do well, with people you can get along with. It will still feel good to go to work and you can continue to look for your passion. Don’t forget to get money help! Can’t stress this one enough. Managing money doesn’t come easy to everyone, so just find someone to help you take care of yours.

What about that family?

Your master plans included a husband and plans for children. Umm, what gave you the idea this was a good idea? There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, what needs to be updated is your idea of when that should happen. Because let me tell you, you don’t have your mind in the right place for this particular dream. Hold on, keep working on yourself, and it will come. You know you are whispering “If you build it, they will come” in your head! Anyway, as clichéd as it sounds, just wait, just keep being you. You will grow into a better version of you and she will be awesome! Don’t rush the process.

Now for the kicker…

No, that is not me… but you get it. The unknown is coming!
Image by Omar Medina Films from Pixabay

Life is going to get unbelievably harder! I know you can’t imagine such a thing because a disappointing and unsuccessful 25 years is the pinnacle of your thoughts. Not to spoil it all by giving you worries before they are due, but I do want you to know you need a relationship with God and a strong network of people who love you. I don’t think there is any reason to start worrying you about specifics, because there is no changing things. But I can say, a strong faith, strong spouse, and rockstar friends are going to hold you up in some dark hours. You will not be alone, you will come through as a survivor. When you do, you get to share your wisdom, then comfort others and that’s a good feeling.

I know you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, listless, and even a bit angry. Let yourself feel everything, then pick yourself up and go about doing the work. The work to be your better self, the work to get you out of a dead-end space, the work needed to get you here. I stand here 20 years later shaking my head at how you think things are over. But I also stand here awed at your will to survive.

In love,

Janshea, 20+ years later

5 Habits Every Mom Should Develop

Hey everyone! I was thinking about how my life is taken up with a lot of care of children and family. Sometimes I believe I am doing a terrible job, as many of you might. But, I realize I often have these feeling more when I haven’t been paying attention to these 5 habits I’ve developed. Read on and even if you aren’t a mom, there might be a takeaway from the 5 habits every mom should develop.

1. Develop a self-care routine

You might think the idea of self-care is an overrated fad. It is so much more. Lots of people have realized that taking care of themselves should be a priority and not an afterthought. So while it seems as if the phrase just popped up and is used everywhere, it just means we have become more aware.

Illustration of a gold colored umbrella, under falling raindrops and the words ‘Take Care Of Yourself’.
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Many of the self-care routines you can use are small, everyday things you can do to make sure you feel good. There is skincare and makeup (if you wear it). These acts can be like a ritual that is calming and makes you feel prepared to face the world. Maybe you enjoy manicures, pedicures, or bubble baths. Any of these and things like them can calm our minds and refresh us. I also include hobbies in my idea of self-care. These things make us feel good by virtue of being something we make time to do. So don’t discount activities, that don’t involve the kids, that you enjoy.

2. Develop a schedule

Photo of dated planner with fountain pen
http://Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

You are probably reading that title and shaking your head. I know, schedules can be the detrimental to our days. But they don’t have to be. Often as moms we are controlling many peoples schedules. There are sports, dance, martial arts, gymnastics, theater group, and a host of others. They all take up time in our responsibilities with our kids. We have to schedule weeks in advance to meet our friends for dinner! Yet, I find if I give myself a loose schedule, like a block schedule, I can be more focused and accomplish more than running a cab service and errands. I set aside blocks of time designated for different activities that happen daily and weekly. I make a few different iterations based on how the weeks change with activities.

So, my blocks might look something like this:

5:00-6:00 exercise
6:00-6:30 rest and recover
6:30-7:30 time in prayer and bible study
7:30-8:30 eat and dress
8:30-10:30 wake son and prepare for school
10:30-11:30 tidy up from the morning
11:30-12:30 school drop off
12:30-2:30 work
2:30-3:30 chores and start dinner

When the time is up for a particular item, I leave it and move to the next item. It isn’t always an option to immediately stop or leave it till the next block, but the habit helps keep you checking off your to-do lists. The times may get moved around, items are added on those days there are appointments and after school activities. But, if I can keep items in a prescribed time, I seem to accomplish more. Don’t we all want to check more things off those to-do lists?

3. Develop a habit of journaling

Now, you may think, “I don’t have time for that.” Or maybe you are saying, “I am not a writer.” Let me tell you, you do have time and you don’t have to be a crafter of the next great novel. While I am a writer, and I don’t journal everyday, I know it helps me when I do. I have been journaling for years and it has always been a great way for me to work through my feelings. Acknowledging them, even if we don’t share them with others, can be cathartic.

These days, I certainly don’t seem to have a lot of time to do full journal entries every day. I’m falling into my bed as soon as the last kid is safely in theirs. Cause let’s face it, I am mostly exhausted! Anyway, even if I don’t do a journal entry, I like to record one line of gratitude. What can I look back on and be thankful for in my day? Sometimes, it is as small as sharing laughter with the kids or finishing a project on time. Whatever it is, realizing that it wasn’t all doom and gloom that day makes our brains smile.

4. Develop your kids responsibility

I must say, I kind of dropped the ball on this. All my friends would be talking about the great skills around the house their kids have, and I am like “Hunh?” I realized that as a mother of children with special needs I had gotten into a rut of taking care of them with the many difficult things and forgot to let them spread their wings.

Chores and just general helping in the household, really sets up capable adults. And let’s face it, they won’t be young forever, we want them to go out into the world to be good and kind people. So, making sure they learn things like washing dishes, sweeping, care of their possessions, washing their own clothes, and cooking are pretty vital. There is a whole list of items broken down by age groups to guide you if you are lost. Bonus gift here is that you actually get to do less, more time for self-care.

Responsibilities dealing with executive functioning skills are big at our house. My son struggles a lot with them and my daughter often gets distracted and refuses to actually do them. So, helping them learn ways they can manage things like school assignments, preparing for the day, or practice for after school activities grows their brains and helps them form good habits. Now if I can find a way to teach them these things without the backlash, then I would be rich!

5. Have fun

Photo of four women of color looking at a mobile phone outside
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Parenting is a really hard job. No matter that people tell you before kids, after them you realize your idea was way off. So many things come up and are changing. Sometimes it is hour to hour and it becomes hard to keep up. While there are plenty of self help books out there, we don’t get a one size fits all education before we bring those little bundles home. You won’t get it right all the time and you will forget something vital, like the time I forgot to pick my kid up from school! The feeling of ruining their lives forever will come to haunt you. But, if you can view it all as an adventure of the unknown where even the bad things bring growth. I believe you can be in this season of mommyhood without losing it completely.

January 2019 In Review

It has been three long months since last we interacted, and I must say, I missed everyone. I missed sharing what I was up to, what my kids were doing, what I was reading. Really, everything. So, I am starting the year with a review of the month. Here is my January 2019 in review.

What Happened?

Three months is a long time to be away and I must say it was pretty stressful. The last few months of 2018 was a very stressful period for me. My son started a new school program in the afternoons. It was not going well. The stress of his attitude and behavior and struggle to adapt sparked a long bout of depression and anxiety. The whole situation felt like a blanket of concrete blocks I couldn’t remove. It took over my life, to the exclusion of all the things I like to do for myself. Then the anxiety of not updating the blog, or working on my book led to even more inaction. So, how did I move on from what happened?

New Year, New Start

As 2018 was coming to a close, I was able to set up some ideas for improving my son’s school situation. There was more of my own interests. This was my therapists idea. Every day should include one thing for me. This activity would have nothing to do with my kids or my spouse. It was a bit daunting to think of. It was like one more thing on my to-do list that would never get done. Yet, as I did it anyway, it was freeing not confining. Even if all I did was practice lettering, it was a moment of quiet in my mind. It lead to quiet in my heart and a more peaceful self. My interactions didn’t feel burdensome. I didn’t want to bite everyone’s head off because of the stress about everything. I planned to make 2019 a new year of a fresh, new start.

Okay, now what?

Well, we all know that many (most) of us search for a new start to a new year. There are all types of information on making resolutions, not making resolutions, how to start a new you! That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind though. I really wanted to just keep the momentum of doing small things for myself. The feeling of happiness it gave me, helped in all the corners of my life. Things still went wrong, things were forgotten, kids were still testing boundaries. But, the difference was now, I finally had that mindfulness to not be negatively affected. I even saw myself reacting with less volatility when exasperated and angry. So, now I want to keep that feeling and pull it out whenever I find myself getting lost in the stress of the day.

How is that working?

Best laid plans and all that is probably what you are thinking. A bit, but a lot less than I imagined. My writing is slowly getting back on track, hence the end of the month post. But, I am sticking to plans that check off small steps to the big finale. On the other hand, my goals page in my bullet journal is still waiting on me to finish it!

I am going to take all progress as good, so I say it is working. How is your new year shaping up? Do you make resolutions, are you sticking to your plans as we head into February? Help keep me accountable, I will look out for your success too.

Thank You Unknown Lady Who Complimented My Daughter

Not Quirky K but super cute!

My daughter is a lovely girl (don’t all parents say this?) with gorgeous curly hair that bounces when she runs. Yet, she started attending school and became self conscious of it. Before she loved it, then a little girl with straight blond hair told her that her hair was wild and there went all the self confidence of my 3 year old. I mean to have your identity questioned at 3 is ridiculous, unfortunately this happens all too often and soon to black children.

Quirky K no longer loved her black and brown dolls and constantly asked me to make her hair straight. I was devastated, I actually had to leave the play room purge because she wanted to give away every doll of color she owned and only keep the white Disney princesses in rotation. I pulled out, bought, and borrowed every affirming book for children of color and reminded her that mommy too had ‘wild’ hair and it was beautiful. That every single thing inside and out was beautiful about Quirky K. It took the better part of 2 1/2 years for me to change her mind after that 1 incident. Still it wasn’t perfect, it would creep up and out at weird times. She was still looking to tame it, make those curls lay flat in buns and ponytails like the other gymnasts and some of her friends. I thought her new diverse school, filled with many children of color would open her eyes that everyone has different hair and different doesn’t mean bad. It would be boring if we all looked the same, right? She still wasn’t quite as confident as I would have hoped, but I was grateful she didn’t beg me for straight locs anymore.

Then one day while wearing her curls loose and free, some one at school noticed and took the time to give her affirming words about her hair. Quirky K came home to say “a lady at my school told me she loved my hair, that it was like hers and we were wild and beautiful”. She was beaming, I mean this would be the point in the movie where the strategic spotlight would shine on the heroine’s blinding white teeth as the wind blew her hair in perfect symmetry and everyone in a 1 mile radius would be stopped, staring at this vision of perfection placed before them. Thank you unknown lady. You did in one short conversation what I kept trying to say for 3 years! I am so indebted to this woman, as she stroked my daughter’s love of self and became an unknown part of the village involved with our children. Some might be put off by some unknown lady having such influence, but I am just thankful. I am happy she came along to whisper good news in a little girl’s ear during this transformative time. It is amazing what kind words from others does for us, even when our loved ones have been saying the same forever! It takes on grander meaning because in our minds, family and loved ones have to tell us nice things. That stranger in the street has no reason to lie, nothing to gain by being kind in the moment and as such their words often lift us up when used wisely.

Thank you unknown lady at my daughter’s school, you made a difference in her life.

If you would like to add some diversity to your library, use my Amazon to check out great books, like Big Hair Don’t Care or I Love My Hair! and uplift your children of color or broaden your perspective.

Way To Go, #1 Son

Working on crossing the midline of his brain while playing ball

My son works really hard to master simple things that come naturally to most of us. He doesn’t always get my epically wicked sarcasm or jokes or remember to do things we all do daily. His difficulties make him anxious and that anxiety makes him lash out physically in an attempt to control a world that often feels alien to him. Since we started this diagnostic path when he was 3, he has come a long way. Many people like to say that I and my husband have done such a great job, but that isn’t true. I may search for the therapists and doctors and school curriculum, but he does all the heavy lifting. I remember feeling unlike others as a child too, I mean exactly why was what they found fun so boring to me? I can only imagine this feeling is multiplied infinitely for him in trying to navigate a world that tells him he is too different, he must change, he is weird and strange and makes way too much noise for the other civilized people. Every time he gets up, he has to try and remember what he is supposed to do while his brain is thinking about a thousand other things, he has to find the right combination of shirt, shorts, and socks that not only do this strange thing his parents call ‘matching’ they must also not have any large seams or tags or just feel too itchy to wear. He then surrounds himself in items he has specially chosen that makes him feel strong and hidden simultaneously. The oversized jacket, shades and scarf effectively shield him from a world he barely understands.

He also has a huge heart that wants to be friends with everyone and never understands why someone he just met at the monkey bars doesn’t want to play with him or calls him “weird” and kicks him when he just wants to run around and have fun together. You may think this is an extreme example, I assure it just happened a few days ago, to my 9 year old who just wants us all to have free video games and play well together. He is scary intelligent and often solves problems by saying “there is no spoon” (See The Matrix for this reference). He shocks me often with his thoughts and ideas. I have always wanted him to reach his potential and be happy. I work tirelessly learning new techniques and therapies to help him learn what comes instinctively to most of us. It isn’t always fun, I often feel alone and beaten up and so far beyond my depth of understanding that I am doing more harm than good. But I get up everyday and try again, because I am giving him the best I possibly can, in the same way my family gave me all they could to improve and enhance my life.

He is in therapy 3 hours a week in order to help him meet your expectations in social situations and to improve his small motor skills, writing, and short term memory. I often watch him in therapy and prayerfully thank God for the ability to help him. Not all families have an easy time getting the help they need of their kids, not medically or emotionally. They can’t get insurance coverage or their area doesn’t have any supportive help available. Our hometown world is full of help, we have insurance coverage, and are surrounded by people who love him and support us. I pray that all who need help in whatever their journey is, they will still be able to get it as our government wrestles with the enormous responsibility of deciding who and how to help. No man gets ahead alone and may we all remember that.

My son works hard at therapy, at school, even at play and maybe I need to remember the work he accomplishes in addition to many deserves to be recognized and rewarded. I love you son, just the way you are, keep being caring and weird because you just wouldn’t be as much fun if you were different!

Stepping Out of My Own Way

Have you ever heard that saying, “If you feel like you might throw up from nerves at the thought of doing it, you are supposed to be doing it!”? Now, that might not actually be the saying but I got the gist of it in there. When you are asked to share your story, when you are starting a new job or business or in my case a book; if you feel like you might just die from nerves, fright, and a general inability to actually do the thing you are supposed to, then you are probably on the right track. Sometimes I find it hard to determine if those feelings are a move in the right direction and you are just nervous. Or is this feeling a red flag waving just trying to warn you of the biggest mistake of your life so far! How can you tell the difference?

I don’t have a really good answer, what I can say is that I am often, as many of you are, the most critical of my self. The work/effort/put your own thing here, never seems to be good enough, but since deciding to write again, what I have found every time I put my words out there, is that someone says something genuinely wonderful about it. And instead of throwing away those words as not meshing with my view of myself, I embrace and cherish every one of them and use them to bolster my lagging self esteem and view of my own gifts. I have watched lovely friends reach out and grab their dreams with both hands and I felt left behind, floundering in a morass of my own making. By starting a blog, sharing my words, and putting pen to paper on novel thoughts, I started climbing out of that sticky muck and embracing more of my authentic self. I hope with every post I can enhance my understanding of my self, my motivation, and my voice. I may not be an award winning author yet, but every sentence I craft leads me closer to the best self of my life. I am lucky to have such honest people around, they tell me when it is good and when it needs help. Sometimes lots of help.

So with that in mind, I have stepped out with pounding heart to join National Novel Writing Month, better known as NaNoWriMo. It is a platform where you and thousands of other writers are encouraged to complete a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. Now, I let the idea that I couldn’t possibly get that done to keep me from trying in the past. Not this year, this year, I have signed up and when this post goes live, I am going to start on the days words. I may not complete a novel, but I know I am going to get better by being involved with other dedicated writers, by habitually writing daily, by asking questions, and listening to answers. I hope your November sees you venturing out to grab your dreams too.